Why, why, why, why, WHY????

Have you ever thought to yourself, yelled to the heavens or sat or your knees quietly and asked the nine dollar and ten cent question...."Why God? Why?!" I'm sure we have all been there, done that, and been back again. Its a frequent question we ask everyday without even thinking about it anymore. Why does today suck? Why hasn't he called me? Why can I find the perfect shirt in every color except the one I need? Why didn't I ace that test? Why did everything go wrong all at once? Why did my grandpa end up in the hospital? Why did my car have to die today? Why, why, why, why, why????? Why is one of those words that never goes away and ends up in our vocabulary way more often then it probably should, and I, am sad to report, that this summer, why has come up way more often then it probably should have.

I dont know what it is about this summer, but this one amongst all the others in my nineteen years of living, was an extremely hard summer to get through. I found out a lot about myself this summer, however it came at a price of losing some of me along the way too. I hope that what I have lost is starting, and will slowly begin to come back.

At the beginning of the summer my why's to God were mostly the "Why cant I find a job? I can do whatever, so why why why wont anyone hire me?" After lots of praying, extreme hours of searching, and lots of patience, I was finally able to get a job. After first couple weeks however, a lot of my why's turned into self doubt and insecurities not only in myself, but in others and things I had thought I had understood and known all my life. I have always believed in the church and known that it was right, but when you start to feel so crappy about yourself and things going on around you and people changing, it is sometimes hard to remember the real reasons we are here and that there is someone up there who is always watching out for you.

I guess all I wanted was a little free reassurance. Just to be told everything was going to be alright, you are on the right path, I am giving you this challenge so that later when X, Y, and Z come up you know what to do, but if there is anything I have learned over the years, it is that if you want those answers, you have to ask first. There are not just free answers that will start flying down at ya for no reason....you have to ask first, and to be honest, I flat out didn't want to. Why did I have to ask? See....there is that why again. I just wanted to know why there was all this internal struggling going on, and why there was that little voice in the back of my head, and why wouldn't it go away. Why, why, why, why, WHY? On top of all those why's, why couldn't I just get the answer without asking first and why couldn't it be easy to understand.

Sadly, I believed the little voice in my head and decided that I'd been good enough, I was still a good person so I didn't have to ask. It was worth way more trouble then it was worth. Which, really in turn, made me more why's pop up in my head and made me feel even more conflicted with myself, but it was just too hard to go back.

Luckily today, I finally had a slight break through. This past week-ish has been pretty awful and all I wanted to sit around and do was veg on the couch and watch movies. I got home from my work meeting and though alright let's put in a movie, but what movie? Charley was the first movie to pop into my head, but pushed it aside cuz I wasnt in the crying mood for today. First movie ended, same though popped into my head. Second movie ended, same though popped into my head, so finally I just gave in and stuck in Charley.

Now I am sure you all know about the movie. Crazy girl comes to utah, meets Sam. Sam introduces her to the church, she is baptized, there is some drama in between and then they are married. Once they are married and have a baby, Charley learns she has terminal cancer. It's such a sad, but great film. Anyways, in the movie, after Sam finds out about the cancer, the question that comes out of his mouth the most is why. "Why God cant you heal her? Why God are you taking her from me? Why, why, why?" Before Charley dies, she tells Sam that it will all work out. It doesnt matter what you have done previous or are doing in the moment, but it will all work out. She talks about how the gospel has served them so well and that there was no way they could back out or not believe now just because of a road bump along the way. There was no reason for them to turn away from God just cuz he didnt give them what they wanted. Just because things don't go the way you want them to does not mean that you are any less important or forgotten. Regardless she doesnt say those exact words, but tonight that was what I got out of it, and it was exactly what I needed to hear. God truly does work in mysterious way doesnt he?

Here is the truly amazing part. I could honestly say that it has been awhile since me and the man upstairs have had a good chat, but regardless of that, he still answered my why's tonight. He did not answer them specifically, but close enough that it makes me realize he hears us and knows our hearts desires without having to talk to us directly. There are still a lot of why's going on in my head right now, and I dont see that changing anytime soon, but to know that without even asking, God can send us that comfort and those answers is truly a blessing. It is one of those times that smacks you in the face when you need it the most to bring you down off your high horse.

I am sorry if this whole entry seems pretty jumbled, but it was one of those things that I needed to just get out of my head and all down on a piece of paper, or in my case, a computer screen. I am starting to realize the rut I have been in the past few months and I am mostly realizing that it is time to climb out. Sadly the climb is going to be a tough one this time around, probably one of the tougher ones too, but I know it will be worth it.

I remember a couple summers ago, I was going through a little rough patch....surprising, I know, but I was talking with my mom and she said something that I will never forget. She probably doesnt even remember this but I remember sitting there talking with her and asking what was the point anymore. I was doing what I should and nothing was coming of it. Maybe this way of life or way of thinking wasnt the right one or the one I should be following. Well my mom, in all her wisdom and firm tone of voice, looked me straight in the face and said "You've been taught better....You know better then to doubt." How true that wise mama is! That thought comes to me more then most I think, when I struggle and watching the movie tonight and thinking over some things, that was all that would keep popping into my head. Isnt it amazing what a simple movie can do for you?! Just that one little thought, is the thing that put me to ease on a couple things tonight and plus it was the quiet reassurance that was very much needed.

I know this post is a little longer and on a more serious not then usual, but tonight I needed to just get this all down. But just in closing to this more serious blog for this even I want everyone to remember that if you just stick to what you know and live those principles and try your hardest, I am pretty sure that the why's will start to come less and less and it will be easier to concentrate on the more important things in life that are happening right now.